"Hurgh!" Joe struggled. "Come on!" He pulled harder. "RARGH!" he yelled, as his pants wouldn't budge. "You can do it, tubby," urged Knifey. "Trying breathing in as hard as you can." "HURGH!" Joe repeated, doubling his effort. There was an odd sound. "The suit, not me," the hero explained quickly. "Your fat ass broke the seam in the back of the flares," his sidekick explained. "Damn!" Joe exclaimed, with no too much enthusiasm. "I guess I can't be a superhero any longer then." He peeled the pants off and threw them into the corner. "ManMan no longer!" he smiled and plopped down in front of the TV.
ManMan & The Trouble with his Pants.
Joe flipped through the channels. "Hey! It's Yan Can Cook!" He ignored Knifey's imaginary glare, but only for so long. He turned to his sidekick. "What do you want from me? The suit's broke!" "And?" Knifey countered. Joe looked at him as if his knife was stupid. "Without the suit, I can't be ManMan, can I?" "Sure you can. Its only a name, you've still got the powers; you've still got me. The brains." "So you expect me to go out in my civvies and be ManMan?" "No, I expect you to take the suit to a tailors and get it fixed." Joe sighed. "Fine. In the morning." "Now." "It's almost night." "Almost." "Oh come on!" "I can't sing very well, but I'm very enthusiastic," Knifey warned. "Yodelling has been a hobby of mine since I invented it." Joe snorted. "ODELAYEEEOOOoooooOOOO-!" "Whoa! Geez, all right. I'll get the bloody suit fixed."
----
Hell's Bathroom was a busy place as the sun went down, though most respectable businesses closed, other - more profitable - endeavours opened. Joe walked quickly past the pimps and slowly past the prostitutes as he looked for a 24-hour tailor. "Hey, you!" yelled a female voice at Joe. He turned around to see a familiar, though not welcome face. "You...." he sneered. "Yeah, me," Widget folded her arms across her chest defensively. "I thought I'd put you into retirement." "You? Ha!" Joe snorted and tried to hide the broken leather pants from view. "Let me you in on a little secret," he beckoned her closer. "You're not that good," he whispered into her ear. She stepped back angrily. "Yeah?!? You were in the hospital after the first time we met, weren't you?" she challenged. Manny sighed. "Yeah, I'll let you in on another secret. I'm not that good a hero," he slumped onto the cleanest part of the kerb. "I even broke my pants," he waved his leather flares in the air. The supervillain tried to suppress a snicker. “I would sit down next to you, but my outfit doesn’t let me bend my knees too much,” she admitted; pointing to the golden-lycra bodysuit she wore. “I know what that’s like,” Joe agreed. “Have you done much running yet?” “Not yet,” Widget replied. “Be prepared for the nipple-burn, its a killer,” he told her. “Though, I guess in your case, there’s not much to burn!” “Screw you, leather fat-ass!” She stormed off. “Ah...It’s nice to see the legendary Pepper charm back in action,” Knifey told him. “Go and say sorry.” “But she’s a villain! We’re meant to fight people like her!” “I suppose I haven’t tried opera lately...” “Widge! Wait up!” Joe ran after her.
----
Joe found her surrounded by a dozen or so men. She shot them a look of defiance that was tinged with fear. “You’re pretty,” hissed one of the gang. “Yeah? Well you’re not,” she replied. Joe barged his way into the centre of the circle. “Okay fellas, lets not get crazy. She’s on your side, after all.” She poked him. “Hey! How do you know I haven’t become a lame-ass good guy?” “Because you just called us lame-ass?” “No, I call every other hero lame-ass. You’re fat-ass.” “I’m not fat! I’m...pleasantly hunky!” Joe defended himself, putting his hands on his stomach. “I’m sure that’s what Marlon Brando tells himself all the time!” “Yeah? Well Olive Oil calls herself seductively slinky! But you can’t mistake the fact that you could land a plane on her chest!” “Are you call me flat-chested again?” “If the bra doesn’t fit...” “Hey...” interrupted one of the gang. Widget stopped him. “Just one second,” she turned to Joe. “You’re lucky I don’t have my balls with me, otherwise...” Joe winced. “You don’t have your balls?” She glared at him. “No...” “They why the outfit?” “I was going dancing,” she explained. “Then I saw you.” “So it’s just me against these guys?” he jerked a thumb towards them. She smiled bitterly. “My hero.” They rushed him. Joe spun away, cracking his leather pants into the mouths of 2 assailants, before pulling Knifey and throwing it into the leg of another; his sidekick popped himself out and drove his length into the other leg for good measure. The biggest man of the group - he stood about 6 “8 - lumbered over toward Widget while Joe was busy with the others. “You’re pretty,” he reached out a meaty hand toward her face. She grabbed and twisted his wrist inwards with a snapping motion. “I’m also fluent in Jujitsu,” she told the man as he squealed on the ground. “I almost forgot how much fun this is,” ManMan told the supervillain as he drove his knee into the happy-sacks of a mugger, the rest of the group lay around him in various states of consciousness. She smiled as she tripped the man clutching at his testicles. “That’s why I’m a villain, it’s fun!” Joe reached over and pulled out Knifey. “If you’re a hero, you can do this legally.” His sidekick agreed. “And you get to help people.” “And you won’t have to face me,” added a voice from the rooftops. The pair looked up and saw Messenger. “Nice work, Joe. You too...” “Wid- Alice,” she blushed a little. “My real name’s Alice.” “Alice,” the postman repeated. “Nice meeting you. If you even attempt to steal here, I’ll cut off your arms,” he warned her. She stared at him open-mouthed. “Only joking,” he grinned, before disappearing into the night. “Now that’s a hero,” she pointed. Joe sighed. “Yep.” He looked at his broken pants. “You were pretty good though,” Widget conceded. “You move pretty well for someone who’s got a huge ass.” She smiled. They both laughed. “I gotta go,” Joe told her and held up his pants. “Find myself a 24-hour tailor.” “And I was going dancing,” she remembered. “Though I think I’ll just go to bed.” Joe scratched his neck. “Yeah...Seeya then.” “Oh and thanks,” she told him. He shrugged. “I guess it’s my job.” Knifey smiled. “Damn straight.”
